


as the world caves in

by Racebox_of_Higgars



Series: how quickly you can lose the world [1]
Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, I'm Sorry, M/M, Modern Era, Terminal Illnesses, This Is Sad, no happy ending, sprace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29259636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Racebox_of_Higgars/pseuds/Racebox_of_Higgars
Summary: They always thought they'd have forever. It wasn't supposed to end in a hospital room.I listened to as the world caves in x cancer and this was born.
Relationships: Spot Conlon/Racetrack Higgins
Series: how quickly you can lose the world [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2180856
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	as the world caves in

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm gonna preface this by saying this is my first work on this site, and my first work for the Newsies fandom and I'm super excited to post it.  
> Also there's no happy ending on this one. I would highly recommend listening to Clem Turner's as the world caves in x cancer mashup on YouTube while reading this, it's what I listened to while writing.  
> TW for terminal illness

Race’s hand was heavy in Spot’s, despite his frail from. The small hospital bed seemed to swallow him, and it was a shocking contrast to Race’s usual larger-than-life personality. His curling hair was thinning and stuck to his forehead with sweat. His cheeks were hollow, eyes gaunt. One of Spot’s hands trailed through those curls which hadn’t been washed in weeks, but he couldn’t care less. The other clung to Race’s like a lifeline. He wasn’t gonna let go, he couldn’t let go. They both knew this was the end.

“It hurts,” Race whispered, voice hoarse. They’d unhooked him from the machines giving him painkillers about an hour ago, so he would be feeling it now. Spot had asked him why he didn’t want the painkillers. He wanted to be able to focus on Spot, he had said, and it was almost bittersweet. The knowledge that Race loved him enough that he wanted to spend his final moments focused just on Spot made his chest hurt, but then there was the fact that these were his final moments. Race was leaving him, and he didn’t know what he was gonna do after that. Up until now, his entire life had revolved around Race. He didn’t know what he was gonna do when his boy was gone.

“I know it does baby, it’s gonna ease soon, you won’t have to hurt anymore,” Spot said, tears brimming behind his eyes, but he forced them down. He wasn’t gonna break, he couldn’t. he couldn’t waste what little time he had left with the love of his life.

It felt weird referring to Race as the love of his life. All things considered; he still had his whole life ahead of him. Race, on the other hand… His throat burned with the effort of keeping his sobs at bay. Christ, they were only 17. They were meant to have their whole lives ahead of them. Race was meant to open his dance studio, Spot would go to law school, they would get married, maybe get a dog. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. They weren’t meant to end in a hospital room.

Spot went to sit on the bed, to wrap his arms around Race. If it had to end this way, it was going to end with Race in Spot’s arms. Spot wanted it to be easy. Race shook his head though.

“Don’t, please.” It was barely audible. “I-I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s already hard enough, having to leave you, I mean. I can’t.” Spot’s heart sank, but he stepped away slightly, keeping his grip on Race’s hand. He needed that, at least, just to ground him. He was terrified that if he let go, Race would slip away completely.

That’s when the reality of it finally set in. To them, this was their Doomsday. This was their last day together, ever. Soon, the nurses would come in and usher Spot away, and it would be over. He’d never see Race’s smile again, or hear his bright laugh, or watch him dance, or see the way he lit up completely when he came up with one of his crazy ideas.

The boy in the bed was so different to the Race he knew. They were completely different people. Race was vibrant, funny, witty, flirty, and he always had a sarcastic comment on the tip of his tongue. He was a technicolour wonder in Spot’s otherwise grey life. The boy in the bed though, he could barely muster the strength to speak anymore, let alone conjure an insult. God, Spot never thought he’d wish to hear Race call him a dork again, but now he’d give anything for it. He would trade all his tomorrows to have his Race back, not this half-formed shadow of a boy he loves.

“I’m sorry,” Race murmured. “You don’t want to be here. It’s awful.” Spot closed his other hand over Race’s, fighting the ocean behind his eyes threatening to consume him, threatening to drag him under and never let him resurface. He wasn’t going to break now. “I’m awful,” Race continued, barely audible.

“You’re not, Tony,” Spot didn’t often use Race’s real name, or anything close to it, but now didn’t feel like the right time for nicknames. “You’re not awful. This isn’t your fault.”

“M’sorry anyway. You don’t have to be here.” Spot clasped Tony’s hand tighter.

“I’m always gonna be here. I promised I’ll be here until the end, didn’t I?” He still remembered that day in the park, lying in the grass, bathing in the sun, watching as it illuminated Tony’s curls like a halo. Funny how things turn out. Tony had asked him if he was gonna stick around, looking up at him with those eyes like rivers, sometimes fast and angry, sometimes rocky and violent, but now they were slow, and hopeful. Spot had promised him that he’d always be there, until the end. That day felt like forever ago now. Normalcy felt like forever ago. It felt like years of hospital rooms and tears and doctors and diagnoses. He longed for one more date outside this cramped white room, but they wouldn’t get that. They wouldn’t get anything that they should have had.

“Yeah, but we didn’t think it was gonna end like this, did we?”

“It doesn’t matter.” There was silence for a moment, save for the vigilant beeping of the heart rate monitor.

“We were supposed to get married.” Tony said, voice cracking, and Spot’s dam nearly broke, but he didn’t, not yet. “We were meant to be it. But now I’m never getting out of this bed. We were supposed to be forever.” And they were forever, for Tony. But Spot would have to keep going, without his constant – without the one thing that kept him grounded. How was he gonna do it?

“It’s gonna be alright, I promise.” He wasn’t sure how much he believed that promise, but he would make it anyway. Anything to comfort Tony now.

“I’m scared,” Tony said, and he sounded it too. His voice was so small, so unsure. Spot leant down to press a kiss to Tony’s forehead. Truth was, Spot was scared too, he was terrified. He didn’t know how he was gonna cope after all this. Tony had been such a big part of Spot’s life for so many years, he couldn’t imagine life without him. It was like losing a part of himself. The part of him that loved, that cherished, that laughed, it was being ripped away from him.

“It’s going to be okay,” Spot tried to comfort him, but he didn’t know that it would be the truth. He had no idea what was going to come, for him or for Tony, but he would do his best to comfort him while he still could. The painkillers were supposed to ease the pain of it all, but Tony had insisted on not having them.

“You – you see those movies about it, y’know, the fault in our stars, all that stuff, but you never think it’s gonna happen to you,” Tony said. “It always seems like some sad fantasy, not something real.” He laughed bitterly, which just sent him into a coughing fit. Each cough sounded painful, like each one stabbed a knife into Tony’s lungs. Tony covered his mouth with a tissue, and it came away red when he was done. He simply wrinkled his nose and threw it away, no longer fazed by it. He ploughed on. “When you watch or read those things, you never think it’s gonna happen to you. And then it does, and even then it’s so much worse than what you read about or what they show you. It hurts so much more. Not just, like, physically, but emotionally too. It’s like you, and Jack, and Albert, I’ve seen all of you breaking apart because of all this and I hate it. I hate that I’m causing you all to

hurt.” Spot saw the tears brimming in Tony’s eyes, and he couldn’t keep himself from wrapping Tony’s tiny frame in his arms.

“It’s not your fault,” he said, looking Tony in the eyes. “It’s never gonna be your fault.”

“It just,” Tony paused for a moment, searching for the right words. “The worst part isn’t the pain, the hardest part of all this is leaving you.” Part of Spot understood what Tony was saying, but the other part couldn’t help but be jealous. Not that he was sick, Spot wouldn’t wish what he’d seen Tony go through on anybody, but that he was the one who was leaving. After today, Tony wouldn’t have to worry about anything, he would just slip away, but Spot had to keep going without Tony. Spot would have to wake up every morning knowing it would be another day where he wouldn’t get to see Tony’s smile or hear him laugh. He longed for one more 3am text message with some crazy idea, or another Pirate of The Caribbean night, even though Spot hated those movies. It wasn’t supposed to end.

“I’m sorry,” Tony said again, finally letting a tear slip through. “It wasn’t meant to turn out this way.” Spot brushed away his tears with his thumb, somehow holding him even tighter.

It was meant to end when they were old and grey. Tony would have his dance studio and he would cultivate the passion for dance in his students just like his teacher had done for him. A few months ago, Spot could’ve seen it. He could see Tony leading a class through turns and leaps and spins, helping his students through every trip and fall. Now, that vision was unattainable. It was a vision that Spot had grasped for, maybe to hide from the reality of all this, but he couldn’t reach it anymore. Spot was meant to be a lawyer, and they were going to have that white picket fence house in the suburbs. Now Spot couldn’t even go to college after he had failed his exams. He had spent so much time going to each of Tony’s appointments, he hadn’t had the time to study for anything. If he could go back, he’d it all over again, exactly the same. Cherishing every moment he got to spend with Tony was more important than any stupid exam, especially knowing how limited their time really was.

“You don’t have to apologise for anything,” Spot reassured him, “as long as I get to have all the time I can with you, I’ll take it.” Silent tears cascaded down Tony’s cheeks, and Spot gently ran his fingers through Tony’s hair, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“We were meant to have forever.”

Silence hung over them, except for the steady beeping of the heart rate monitor.

“I’m tired,” Tony finally said, and his eyelids drooped. Spot’s heart dropped. He knew that the second Tony fell asleep, that would be it. It would be over.

“You can go to sleep, Tony, I’ll be right here when you wake up.” They both knew that there would be no waking up at the end of this.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure, I’m not going anywhere.” Tony looped his arms around Spot’s waist, kissing him softly for a few moments before pulling away.

“Ti amo, Spot,” he said in his native language. Spot wouldn’t admit it, but he had been learning Italian for Tony, just to feel closer to him. Soon, the language would be all he had left.

“Ti amo, Antonio.” The use of Tony’s full name had an air of finality, and Spot hated it. He hated all of this.

Tony fell asleep peacefully, but still Spot wouldn’t let him go.

The heart rate monitor flatlined.

Nurses came in, solemn.

Antonio Matteo Higgins-Folliero was pronounced dead at 15:47 on September 26th, 2021.

Spot was ushered from the room.

He let himself be dragged away.

The door swung shut behind him.

He would never see Antonio again.

His entire world caved in.

He finally let himself break.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I hope you enjoyed that. If you did, please leave comments/kudos I thrive on that. Thanks for reading!


End file.
